What follows is the amalgamation of visitors to the Mighty Optigrab that were so moved by their visit that they were prompted to comment upon its majesty, grace, and Screamin' Yellow Zonkers. Feel free to add your own entry to our monumental hist ry of good times and better eccentricity.

James Schend - 05/17/00 22:44:56
My URL:http://www.schend.net
My Email:james@schend.net
Favorite Film Du Jour: Dark City

Uhm. Er... yeah. Still trying to wrap my head around this one, guys...

Ze RatBoy - 02/24/00 05:37:08
My URL:http://poopstain.tripod.com/steak.html
My Email:captainbarf@smut.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Shaft......SHAFT!

When the HELL are you updating this?

Otis Thorpe - 02/12/00 22:35:25
My URL:www.fuckjessicatandy.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Mortal Kombat: Cocoon

This is the worst shit ever. Fuck it and fuck you, fucker.

WHIPPERSNAPPER - 01/11/00 21:07:06
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/loud47
My Email:loud47@yahoo.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Ernest Goes to Jail

Up yers for not updating this page

Jessica - 11/21/99 01:26:28
My URL:http://www.abpam.com
My Email:jessi@abpam.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Dunston Checks In

hey Andy, I played your sister in Twelfth Night. THIS IS YOUR LIFE. WHO AM I? I know where your brother lives. AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...come to my website or I'll stab you

Uncle Pete - 11/17/99 19:06:27
My URL:www.assface.com
My Email:loud47@yahoo.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Uncle Fucking

Fuck You, what happened to the Pink Coffins web site. I'm not circumsized.

JASON JEW - 11/12/99 14:56:21


Jon Hunsaker - 10/22/99 02:58:23
My Email:hunsaker24@cs
Favorite Film Du Jour: GOONIES

what does ineluptuous mean?

Katie "El Snatcho" Weber - 07/10/99 23:03:36
My Email:girlyouknowitstrue@yahoo.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Blondes Eat More Cum

Baron Von Ass Rocks Ass! Sweet Jesus! I Can't Believe It's Not Butter Son Of God!

greg - 05/13/99 00:08:32
My Email:greg@m80im.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Breakfast at Tiffany's and The Exorcist

Nice review of eXISTENz (or however you spell it). I'll check it out. Thanks :)

Spymaster - 05/05/99 17:23:06
My Email:Ya..nadda..
Favorite Film Du Jour: Are you asking about a movie, or my favorite type of mustard?


Kalle Hunsaker - 04/12/99 01:19:56
My Email:None o yer beeswax
Favorite Film Du Jour: Wings of Desire

trippy, dude.....quite trippy......yet intriguing.

First Mate Fwaa - 01/18/99 00:27:19
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Chamber/9262/fwaa.html
My Email:fwaa@hotmail.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Scarlett Mecca and the Pentagram Girl

Baron, we must commence with the ceremony of crowning Clea DuVall the Queen Bee of the Foxy Mophandle Mamas. She's so cute. I bought her some chocolates and she kicked my ass.

Carla "Q" Hewitt - 12/30/98 22:17:16
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/Area51/6142
My Email:particlegrrl@chikmail.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Brainsmasher: A Love Story

I have seen so much... ... and know so little.

Captain Arnim Zola Squat - 11/30/98 10:14:13
My URL:http://www.squatfun.com/~anus/
My Email:Squattyballs@prow.org
Favorite Film Du Jour: Headtime for Bonzo

Baron von Ass, my lord, my friend. I am frightened of this "Beef". Make this "Beef" go. Please may the backs remain unbroken. "Beef" scary.

Beef - 10/27/98 01:56:17
My Email:MCSTRKS@aol.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: DUNE, yeah baby

I see little brother Baron, I have found you, you thought you could escape the backbreaker of your teenage innocence. I have come back for you, from beyond the cemetaries of northwood, the lonely city shaped like an airstrip. MWAHAHA, come here baron, big brother has found you..........and your back shall break!!!!

10/15/98 08:09:45
Name: Bad Bunny My URL: Visit Me
My Email: Email Me

Just surfing. Thanks.

Cindy - 09/18/98 00:59:04
My URL:http://www.zecrets.com/users/cindy
My Email:cinth@usa.net
comment: Nice page.... please come visit my site :-) Thanks, Cindy

Captain Arnim Zola Squat - 08/31/98 08:32:49
My URL:http://www.Capsquat.org/~SQUAT/SQUAT.DAMN.YOU.html
My Email:CappySquatty@nohead.gov
Favorite Film Du Jour: Le Heade in le Cheste

Captain's Log - Friday Today I accused Ten Pounds of excessive flatuation. My heart wasn't in it though. Ah, to be a revolutionary once again! Captain's Log - Saturday Le Humanite is just not doing the trick! I long for the fight of French Socialism once again! Also, I accused my first mate of severing his head and placing it in the middle of his chest, but, perhaps I am projecting. Captain's Log - Monday Tonight I will leave under cover of darkness to infiltrate the French Government and bring it down from within. PS Baron, if you find this log and it has been more than 48 hours, then I am in prison and will need rescuing.

Cara Crash - 07/04/98 07:19:29
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/Pipeline/9936
My Email:carpark@metro.net
Favorite Film Du Jour: Harold and Maude

Glad to see you're still here. I love the page, as I always have, O benevolent Baron. I will track the Optigrab to the ends of the Universe and put the Flying Buttpliers on you if you don't honor my guestbook with a John Hancock, though!

Commander Ray Chevrolet - 05/21/98 04:15:34
My Email:grimlock@multiverse.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Flash AAAAAAHHHH!!!! Gordon

I'm here because the Baron told me too. Otherwise, he'd kick me arse and fry me bollacks. P.S. 'Dicks' is good. 'Dicks' is wise. 'Dicks' is farkin' hilarious. Go to your local comic dealer and buy it today.

First Mate Fwaa - 05/14/98 23:52:08
My URL:Freakin technology brought down the Roman Empire
My Email:fwaa@hotmail.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Dad, There's Six Squirrels On The Porch: A Documentary About Flightless Aquatic Birds and Sheet Metal

Baron, Asia Argento is in the Screamin Yellow Zonkers pantry eating some food. Can we keep her?

First Mate Fwaa - 04/27/98 01:07:15
My URL:Who gives a damn
My Email:Just call me on the phone, dammit
Favorite Film Du Jour: "Fwaa and Juliette Get Naked and Bang: A Documentary"

I must report, Baron, that the Foxy Mop Handle Mama (or Foxymophandlemama) continues to make me uncomfortable with sudden...shall we say (and we will) URGES and what not...I use my Secret Security Snafflefflerogulot as instructed to open the Poop Deck doc ing bay doors for her to clean the coffee machine and she CONTINUES to mock my affection for her by CONSTANTLY waving the photograph of her "lover" (looking oddly like Bryan Richards) while repeating the phrase "This is my boyfriend do not hit on me I lov him and him only even when he's drunk." Now, far be it for me to be UNPROFESSIONAL, Baron, but...well...action must be taken. Soon. I'm running out of Kleenex (99 cents purchased at Bob-Mart on our last visit to the godforsaken Planet Bob). Also, the Gnome keeps shoving my photos of Miss Asia Argento down the sink and turning on the trash compactor while singing "Death to Spaghetti Eaters" over and over. Then he often prepares a grilled cheese sandwich without offering me one. Also, when I was makin love to Juliette in the Hologram Chamber (the larger one on Level 66B, not that dinky one next to the Androgynous Bathroom), that Young Whippersnapper poked his head in during the middle of wondrous orgasm (a private moment, Baron, I'm sure you agree) an screamed "I SEE YA SCREWIN'!" so loud that Juliette's eardrums imploded and...well...there was a MESS, Baron. Control your subjects, I beg you. Til the flip side. "Lost Highway" makes perfect sense.

Grand Moff Blakley @ Yahoo! - 03/17/98 02:32:54
My Email:Soozums@msn.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Betcha can't guess!

Wherefore art thou MONKEYS? And when you are going to give them to me?

Catspaw - 03/14/98 19:56:35
My URL:http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/obsidian/
My Email:catspaw@sprynet.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Braveheart

Now this is exactly the kind of pointless, senseless, mindless drivel that passes for humor in many circles--and which the Web needs more of. :> ROTFL.

The Dark Enchantress - 02/28/98 15:05:40
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/SunsetStrip/Towers/5212/
My Email:wynn115@bigfoot.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Anything filed under C. Walken

Hmmm... I know you guys from somewhere.. ;)

Queen Madd - 02/24/98 18:39:04
My Email:trespassersw@iname.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: The one w/ those guys... and those things...oh, nevermind!

This is the best flight that I've ever been on! It's so tasty, too! Just like candy!!

First Mate Fwaa - 02/21/98 01:39:19
My URL:You Are L too
My Email:enk@hell
Favorite Film Du Jour: Pink Coffins (aka "Mini-Titanic" aka "Enk Wide Shut")

Today is my birthday, Baron, and I found your gift: Juliette Binoche stowed away in the Poop Deck. We made love in the Telepod Room and during wondrous orgasm I accidently mixed her genes with that of all existing prints of "Showgirls." Please send down all available nuclear weapons and tell the Gnome that we're due for another third-shift spiritual cleansing.

RobDale - 02/20/98 01:05:18
My URL:http://members.tripod.com/~robdale/robdaleindex.html
My Email:robdale@hotmail.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Transformers: The Movie

The Baron.....suave, sophisticated, monkey fodder.

Rear Admiral P.P. Spew - 02/12/98 03:33:37
Favorite Film Du Jour: The Incredible Mr. Limpit

Remember, young Baron, remember . . .

Joey Jo Jo - 02/09/98 17:48:18
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Lair/1680
My Email:joehuns@bgnet.bgsu.edu
Favorite Film Du Jour: The Jerk


Captain Arnim Zola Squat - 02/09/98 07:58:35
My URL:http://www.squat.com/accusation/spew.html
My Email:CapSquat@optigrab.stern.gov
Favorite Film Du Jour: Chili Con Carne

I accuse Baron Von Ass of maliciously removing his last homepage as part of a plot by the crumbling, decadent ruling class to mercilessly crush the will of the people. Also, I accuse him of not returning the green comb he borrowed from me three days ago. I accuse the Gnome of celebrating with my hated Arch-rival Corporal Aristide Briand the festivities of Bastille Day, as well as making fun of my the nub on top of my shoulders where my head once rested. P.S. I am in prison. Please come rescue me.

[goodhuman] - 02/07/98 17:10:41
My URL:http://www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/palms/3831
My Email:goodhuman@rocketmail.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: The Jerk

Read your color in the Pj newsgroup. Keep it real.

FwaaDad - 02/02/98 00:41:23
My Email:EnkyDink@AOL.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: Alien4

Coooooooool........ :)

Gub'nor - 01/25/98 08:05:44
My Email:cciha@bgnet.bgsu.edu
Favorite Film Du Jour: Belle De Jour

Tasty, with just a slight hint of Carole Bouquet. Could've used a pinch more Catherine Deneuve. Pass the Fernando Rey, Please! Guess Who's coming to Dinner? Why, it's Brak!

I am known as the Gnome - 01/17/98 11:54:25
My Email:you know
Favorite Film Du Jour: bad action & kung fu

It is true Baron it is I, your faithful steward, the ever-bitter Gnome. I am here to tell you my biography (as much as the polis should know) is forthcoming. It will be encrypted, and sent, by the usual means. thanks & much glory to you my Baron, -the Gnome-

Beany - 01/09/98 23:50:44
My URL:http://cecil
My Email:ass@ass.ass
Favorite Film Du Jour: Anal Heat with All Gay Action!

My name is Beany McAss. hoo-hah!

Grugga Wuganna - 01/06/98 01:49:22
My Email:wagner@nls.net
Favorite Film Du Jour: Brunhilda's Potato

I am a student of Dr. Hambourger. Thank you.

Gwnedolyn Zapfchancery - 01/05/98 18:58:21
Favorite Film Du Jour: Big Bad Mama II

Where's the Ben Vereen links? WE NEED BEN VEREEN LINKS!!!!!

Muppet - 01/05/98 18:56:24
My Email:wbmike@bgnet.bgsu.edu
Favorite Film Du Jour: Hamburger: The Motion Picture....or The English Patient

I love monkeys. And Goobers, that fun chocolate candy! I've got more rhymes than the Bible's got psalms.

Isosceles Boink - 01/05/98 03:38:35
My URL:http://members.aol.com/EbolaMunky/index.html
My Email:EbolaMunky@aol.com
Favorite Film Du Jour: That funky G.I. Joe movie with those space pods!

Ah, The Airship is back. What grand adventure did you go on that ment the removal of the last web sight? Was it beating back the forces of darkness? Or was it freeing mankind from the power hungry rule of an evil depotic ruler? Or was it a late night un to Burger King for some of them oh so tasty new fries? Inquiring minds want to know.

Laptop Maplethorpe - 01/05/98 02:50:16
Favorite Film Du Jour: D.C. Cab

Automatically the grandest and most aesthetically pleasing entre into the Web I've seen since Ye Olde Jack & Beard page.

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