The Sire Of The Poop Deck

FAIRUZA BALK IS IN AN ADAM SANDLER MOVIE!!!!!!!!! I'm going to go be a zookeeper in Idaho.

Irene Jacob

Submitted for your approval: A strange obsession of Sir Fwaa is his constant tinkering with human genetics. He is not trying to clone himself so that he may live to see the Judge Dredd future, nor is he looking to turn himself into a black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks. No, First Mate Fwaa is simply trying to create his ideal mate from the DNA samples of the following women - women that some people have described as "scrump-diddly-umptious." Some people are also idiots.

The problem with this mad scientist experimentation is that Fwaa has virtually no expertise in any of the sciences. We scavenged the equipment he uses from a planet that harbored a peculiar society that, as part of its sacred tradition, would peroidically alter their own genetic structure in order to resemble various incarnations of Burt Reynolds - the last having been his look from "Stroker Ace." The Baron, seeing this as a travesty to end all travesties, decided to break The Prime Directive and abscond with their equipment, thus preventing them from reaching the "Malone" phase of their evolution. Fwaa saw this as his opportunity to create his dream, but all the instructions to the machinery are in Portuguese. We have no translator. Thus, Fwaa learns by trial and error... and oh, there have been many errors. The Gnome is generally called in to "put down" the various inhuman beasts that he's created over time... but each time, he gets a bit closer to his goal... the ultimate Foxy Mophandle Mama - the woman who will delight in sweeping the poop deck with him for eons.

So, without further ado...

FWAA's Foxy Mophandle Mamas!
Charlize Theron--She's in the Fresh Prince Golf Movie.
Juliette Binoche-- Fwaa has a thing for the French.
Angelina Jolie - Ye gods. This chick could kill you. Why is that hot?
Samantha Mathis-- The Baron can only occasionally understand this one. Usually when watching "Pump Up The Volume."
Milla Jovovich--Fwaa likes The Fifth Element.
Laetitia Casta--The Baron is opposed to her first name. Even though it has 'tit' in it.
Natasha Henstridge--The Species Chick. Or The Dog Park Chick.
Kate Beckinsale -- she's all British and stuff. Have you caught onto the 'skinny brunette' theme yet?
Jessica Alba -- Look out. Dark Angel. Ooh.
Franka Potente -- She's Fwaa's Girl In Port when he visits Germany.
Death-- yes... he's trying to get DNA from comic books. Sigh.
Busta Rhymes--I'm pretty sure I've seen this guy down there. I don't ask.

  • The Jade Ring

  • David Lynch-- he's weird.

    The JC Web Page

  • John Carpenter -- the auteur that brought us "They Live."
  • David Bowie -- indeed, the heart's filthy lesson.

  • Christopher Walken--I feel almost vulgar in this yuletide context bringing up the power plant, but I feel I must.

  • Jake Enk, Jake Enk, Jake Enk!
  • Brad Dourif-- he's weird.


  • Breaking The Waves--cinematic excellence for Fwaa!

  • Batman Returns--His favorite Batfilm!

  • Demolition Man--wheeeeeeee!

  • Back from The Mouth Of Madness.