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The Gremlin

Admiral Butts is Prince of Eternia and keeper of the secrets of Castle Greyskull. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to him the day he held aloft his magic sword and said "By The Power Of Greyskull! I have the power!" Cringer became the mighty Battle Cat and he became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe. Only three others share this secret - The Sorceress, Man At Arms and Orko. Together, they defend Castle Greyskull from the evil forces of Skeletor. Not really. I am simply a poor, unfortunate soul who was born with a large buttcrack in the place a normal human being would have a face. Buttcrack complete with anus. Fully-functioning anus. However, this unfortunate deformity has not impeded me in my quest to become dominant over hordes of minions and eventually rule the universe. I also get to screw hot chicks all the time! Believe it, baby! Who wants to kiss a face when they can kiss a glorious ass! I get chicks all the time! Anytime I want! They all want me! Trust me! I'm not lonely at all! I enjoy delicious puss daily! Nancy McKeon and Lisa Welchel have both been my bedfellows! Huzzah!

The Gremlin is a stealthy little bastard that somewhat resembles those portrayed in the film duology of his namesake, but he claims to be of a much more intelligent ilk than the mischievous 'Stripe', and he's never been one of those suckapunk Mogwai. With a closet full of multi-colored ninja-esque jammies and a proficiency with little sharp throwie-things, The Gremlin is one silly beast that really enjoys bunny slippers and honey-roasted peanuts. Rumor has it that this creature of few words stalked Mr. Peanut for months on end, determining his daily schedule, his nightly appointments, his social gatherings, his hygiene habits, his servants' hours, his wardrobe in its entirety, his shopping preferences, his sexual orientation, his militia involvements, his fruit juice tastes, his gastrointestinal problems and, most especially, his peanut warehouse locations and managed to pull off one of the greatest coups in snack food history, leaving Mr. Peanut a broken shell of a corporate logo and gaining himself a lifetime supply of the peanuts he craved so, not to mention a couple truckloads of cashews to boot. Occasionally, following ancient ninja texts and edicts, he returns to taunt Mr. Peanut and remind him of his failure by defecating in his mouth. That's all rumor, too, though, since The Gremlin lets few secrets escape his grubby mits. He is indeed fascinated by all Chef Boy-Ar-Dee products, though.

Accompany us and our devilishly eccentric comrades:

Psycho Randomly - the sinister force behind such cinematic devilry as "Showgirls," this sleazemonger is rumored to be the sole reason that big-budget, doo-doo script movies keep getting created for zillions of dollars that could be used to finance real art or, perhaps, cure world hunger. He convinced Fairuza Balk to do an Adam Sandler movie, and word has it that he was also in conference with the producers of "Original Gangstas" and convinced the director that it was only necessary to have Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, Shaft, Superfly, Pam Grier and Jim Brown only get together and kick butt for about 30 seconds very late in the film. The bastard!

Corporal Aristide Briand - the dastardly villain that spearheaded the dangerous bunch of French Socialists that bedeviled Captain Squat for a time, until he "sold out," betraying Squat and necessitating a daring rescue from the clutches of death by The Airship Optigrab. Rumor has it that he is currently the founder and editor of "Teen People" magazine.

The Curmudgeon - This old scalawag sits in the corner of the S.S. El Guapo with his gnarled walking stick, rocking back and forth eerily, silent unless someone attempts to get some butter from him. He then lashes out violently with his stick and keeps the butter safe from those who would dare attempt to eat it. Luckily, we have I Can't Believe It's Not Butter in the fridge.

Twelve Kilograms Of Tom Foolery - The S.S. El Guapo's talentless and irresponsible receptionist. Seems that none of our phone calls get through cuz this guy's supposed to be answering the phones with a friendly greeting but keeps doing it with chili farts. He'd have been fired ages ago, but he's the Admiral's cousin, and he doesn't go against family.

More to come from the Legion of Nasty! Stay tuned!

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